


I'll do as I am told

by piggy09



Series: Apples Fall [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Just think about Helena and that should tell you what warnings you need here, Orphan Black spoilers, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 20:06:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>And I don't know, don't know, don't know, know, know</i>
</p>
<p>{Helena's lessons, or: the forging of a blade. Set after Episode 7.}</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll do as I am told

**Author's Note:**

> Title, description, and inspiration from [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8KH-BXy5YM), which reminds me a lot of Helena.

_Here is your purpose_ , they said. _You will be a blade_.

They handed you your heart, and taught you what to do with it. When you were done, they gave you a sheep's coat to blot the bleeding. (Some things remind you of your back: the color of Jello under harsh fluorescence, the sight of a sheep flipped over, its stomach raised towards God. When you see these things your heart begins to pound in your ears and your wings ripple, as if aching for salvation.)

_Here is your purpose_ , they said. _You will be an angel_.

They handed you your scales, and taught you what to do with them. Here is what they said: you are an angel, and you know what is right and wrong. But you don't understand; not really. You know that certain things are right: food is right, Tomas is right, a blade on your back is right. You know that other things are wrong. Your face is wrong, because it looks like a godless thing. And that is not what you are. You are the original. You are the light. All the rest are sheep. Sheep, sheep, sheep.

_Here is your purpose_ , they said. _You will be a soldier_.

They handed you your weapons, and taught you what to do with them. You learned how to kill and take and ruin. You did not learn how to touch without breaking, or how to live. You learn these things on your own: the simple joy of eating when hungry, the satisfaction of your body in motion. You are a machine, created for a task. That doesn't mean that you can't feel human things. That doesn't mean you can't feel happiness.

_Here is your purpose_ , they said. _You will be a wolf_.

They handed you your teeth, and taught you what to do with them. They were your wolf-parents, and they only showed you wolf-things. They did not show you kindness, but you know how to slit a sheep's throat so fast it does not even feel it. They did not show you mercy, but your hands can hold things besides blades: spoons, dolls, your own hand in the dark. Sometimes you catch yourself wondering what God's plan is. When these things happen you fall and howl towards God. He is, you think, a poor substitute for the moon. But you are a poor substitute for a wolf. In the end, when you look in the mirror, all you can see is sheep.

_Here is your purpose_ , she said. _You will be my knight_.

She handed you nothing, and taught you less. And oh, the perversion of it -- the wolf leaping in to save the sheep, the blade turning away from the flesh. But when you tilt your head you can hear nothing, and the muscles on your back stay still as stone. She is laid out like an offering in front of you, and you feel, for one bright second, what it could be to be God. Unholy perversion, the taste of her name on your tongue. _Sarah. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah._


End file.
